I’m not surprised that I was able to find enough of these abominations to put together another post. I speculated this would happen when I wrote Part 1. No, what surprises me is how quickly I was able to do so.
London Bridge Revisited
I love this one because it’s such a slow burn into ridiculousness. It’s like boiling a frog. One minute you’re listening to a run-of-the-mill rendition of a centuries-old diddie. Three minutes later you’re drugging a prison guard to help him pull an all-nighter, wondering what the fuck happened to that bridge.
Itsy Bitsy Low Budget Spider
Here’s a video rendition of Itsy Bitsy Spider performed by heavily medicated vocalists, drawn in MS Paint.
I have no idea why this exists. This from a channel that seems to be dedicated to children’s songs. Somebody there just decided that what this song really needed was a 90s rap interlude. If this was actually intended to be a viable children’s song, we might have a Hall of Shame Part 3 before the month is over.
Five Little Babies Do All the Things
Another Indian video channel produced another whackadoodle video series. That’s a strange coincidence. This time it’s in 3D. And it’s an hour marathon of the same damned song, after they’re done misspelling ice cream.
The general formula seems to have been lifted from the classic “Five Little Monkeys,” and each video obeys the following simple algorithm.
Initial condition: N = 5
While (N > 0): N babies are doing a thing Something bad happens to one baby An authority figure is contacted Baby cannot do that thing anymore Decrement N No more babies doing the thing
First off, “authority figure” in the above sense is always either a doctor or the dad. The mom is basically just there to defer to the males. Take that, Susan B. Anthony!
But in this case they’ve also gone off the rails with the sheer variety of activities these babies are doing, as well as the ways they manage to fuck it up.
- Riding scooters
- Skating on ice
- Taking selfies
- Playing with toys in general
- Throwing balls
- Driving cars
- Opening Giant Eggs
Hickory Dickory Dead
There’s just no two ways about this. We were trolled. This wasn’t an attempt to make a kids video gone awry. This wasn’t a mistranslation. It was a honey pot. Somebody wanted this to happen.
It was a well executed troll, to be sure. It starts out pretty straightforward. Then it gets spooky. Okay, I can get it, maybe it was a Halloween thing. Then headcrabs show up. A Half Life reference? Seems strange but if you’re going for scary, it’s not that bad.
Then the All Seeing Eye summons the Manticore to begin a flame ritual to awaken Cthulu.
Um.
Stephanie cut this one off at 8, and that was a wise choice. She’s a smart woman. We’ve since been thinking twice about letting the little ones pick the videos. They don’t know what’s out there. They don’t need to know. Not just yet.